I Quit. I Give Up.

I'm with you Edie Brickell and all of your New Bohemians. I quit. I give up. I am done. If I wasn't afraid of offending too many people or shocking some family members, I would cuss up a storm tonight. Recently, some friends have remarked on 'how well I'm handling things.' I'm about to screw up my track record. I'm about to whine and complain and forget all the reasons I have to feel blessed and lucky in this FPIES mess. #*(@!*& (#%( *$)%_+$()$( ***#*$@)*. That's right. I just said that. Grrrr.....


What's got me so riled up? Food. Freaking fracking gosh darned rotten food. I am so DONE with food. I don't want to cook anymore. I don't want to eat anything that requires anything more than a microwave or boiled water to prepare. I don't want to have to think so hard about what to feed Ginny - or Ellie or John for that matter. I shop at four different grocery stores. FOUR. Almost every week I go to four different grocery stores. FOUR - just to get the right meat and freeze dried fruits and quinoa and ginormous bags of frozen broccoli and and and and and... and I am just so tired of it. And I serve three meals a day - often three different meals each time: Ginny's food, our food and a 'version' of our food if Ellie won't eat what we're having (no onions, nothing spicy, etc.). And you know what? Sometimes, after all that work, half of it ends up on the floor and in the trash. Ginny, you only have THREE safe vegetables so I know that you must be tired of broccoli, but you have to eat something. Ginny, do you have ANY idea how $%(*&$ expensive that bison is? Seriously, are you just going to rub it in your hair? I worked FOREVER to get the quinoa pancake recipe just right. FOREVER. The first time, Ginny ate them as if she had been starved for weeks. I was so excited that I made more and froze some and she has refused every bite ever since. Huge waste. Huge waste of food and money and time. I plowed my way through a 20 step millet flour 'cookie' recipe and they simply end up as a pile of crumbs on her tray. She's not interested. And those examples are just the tip of the iceberg. The amount of time I spend looking for new food ideas is staggering. I used to LOVE to cook and bake. Lately, I dread walking into the kitchen. I'm done. I am so done.

I am certain that all of you FPIES moms with kids who have NG tubes and G tubes, those of you who are still keeping your kids going with elemental formula and 3 safe foods must be rolling your eyes at me and wanting me to shut the hell up. We have 15 safe foods around here. I should just shut up. Ginny has 15 safe foods but feeding her just isn't any easier. She's a toddler. I should expect this, right? What she wants and whines for and reaches for is what we're eating. What she can't have. I know it's not personal and I'm not mad at her - or John or Ellie, I'm just tired. I'm tired of cooking. I am really tired of saying no. Honestly, on top of everything else, I am tired of the massive amount of dishes and clean up that goes along with 3 meals per mealtime.

I love to eat. I have a cookbook full of generations of family recipes and our favorites and it has a pocket at the back full of recipes I want to try and pulling this out used to excite me - and just now, the thought of it made my eyes well up with tears. Who knew it would ever be so difficult just to feed your child? When you were rubbing your belly in anticipation of the arrival of your bundle of joy, did you ever imagine this? We just passed milk and I thought it would all get easier - one more step towards normal eating. But there are so many more steps to go and tonight I want to just sit down and stop walking on this road. I quit - at least for tonight. I'll be back on the job again tomorrow morning, bright and early.